Though I’m getting used to the silence, I must admit, my heart is still broken. You wouldn’t know it by my words or how I manage to navigate my days, but the heaviness is always there. One day last week, it was literal. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack, but it was probably an anxiety episode brought on by this stress.
I was struck by this quote I saw somewhere, probably Instagram: “Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s toubles, it takes away today’s peace.” I’m trying to make that my motto for the time being, and let everything fly and land where they’re supposed to. I know at some point I have to address the rifts I’m having with my children, but I gave myself permission to wait through the summer. Our relationships will never be the same, and I may have to cut my losses, but I’ll have to have some closure for myself.
But . . . I do choose to believe that we’ll be able to be close again, to have our mother-daughter conversations, to talk about life, and to reminisce and laugh about past experiences. I hope that the time apart for them has an impact and that they feel my absence. I’ve purposely not chased, begged, or interfered. They may interpret that as me not caring, which couldn’t be further from the truth, or they may realize that they have created this distance and not know how to undo it. In that case, they’re waiting for me to “make a move.” They’re my children and I still love them the same, but I need to find myself and my strength.
In the meantime, I’m staying true to my goals of staying physically fit, getting out of my comfort zone and meeting new people in this vacation environment, reading more, writing more, learning more AI, and relaxing as much as possible (phycially and mentally).
Being retired leaves you a lot of time to do these things, but it also gives you room to overthink.