What is estrangement?
Estrangement is defined as the state of being alienated or separated from someone with whom one was once close or had a strong emotional connection. It often refers to the breakdown of a relationship, such as within families, friendships, or partnerships, leading to a loss of communication, understanding, or affection. In my case, I’m estranged from my two adult daughters. It hasn’t been for a long time, but it’s long enough for me to be miserable, heartbroken, and confused.
What was my relationship with my daughters before the estrangement? I spent the first seven years of parenthood as a totally single mother. I lived my life for them and sometimes held down multiple jobs to make sure they had everything they needed. Sure, we didn’t have elaborate vacations and I couldn’t afford sports camps, but they went to dance and drama classes, attended day camp, learned how to swim, played tennis, and developed soccer skills. They got tutoring when they needed it, had regular medical and dental care, and I modeled the importance of education and hard work. Above all else, I spent all my free time with them and loved them with my whole heart and showed it. We always lived close to my mother, their nana, and I even bought a house on her street to deepen their bond.
As they grew up, I began a relationship with the man who’d become my husband, and we blended our lives. He took us on fun and adventurous vacations and provided an uptick in our lifestyle. It wasn’t perfect, but I could relax a little. I continued to work and earn more money myself, bought houses to show for my hard work, and supported my children through thick and thin.
My older daughter graduated from college, which I paid for, and went on to become quite educated and successful in her career and in living far from home. I saw her through a long-term relationship that I thought was going to wear out (and I was right), and cheered her on when she decided to move on.
My younger daughter had drug, mental, emotional, legal, financial, and medical problems that I saw her through, and I supported her in all ways when she decided to move to her sister’s city and start a new life. Through all the years, problems, moves, heartaches, and triumphs, I was always in touch with my children through phone calls and my efforts to see them. I traveled to wherever they were and made myself available the minute they needed me. There was never a time when I didn’t pick up the phone.
I can’t think of a time when I didn’t put my children first in all my thoughts and decisions.
What is the purpose of this post? I’m writing this post at this point to work out in my mind and heart what happened. Why did my younger daughter suddenly freeze me out, with day one being Mother’s Day? Why did my sweet older daughter take “no” from me as the end to all communication? After all I’ve done and been, and how I’m devoted my life to being their mom, how can they decide I’m not worth having in their lives? I really don’t get it. There’s no one thing I’ve done or said (other than “no”) that could erase 33 years of motherhood. My heart is aching and breaking, and I’m trying to deal with it. Writing about it helps to relieve the pressure of these thoughts swirling in my head.
What causes an estrangement? How should I know? So I asked ChatGPT to help parse that out and it came up with some interesting ideas.
Unspoken Hurt or Resentment
- They might be holding onto unresolved feelings or past wounds — even things you may not be aware of or never intended to cause harm.
- Sometimes adult children reinterpret events or dynamics from their childhood once they gain more perspective or go through therapy.
We’ve talked until we were blue in the face about their childhoods, and I’ve owned up to any perceived and real mistakes I’ve made. Both have been to therapy in the past, but neither go to therapy now. I’ve pushed for it, even offered to pay for it, but it’s up to them to make it happen at their ages (early 30s). I used to make the phone calls and appointments, but that’s not appropriate, nor does it have the same impact. Their childhoods were safe and they were adored and loved, but what’s in their heads isn’t apparent to me. Their father was primarily absent, but that’s not my fault. I didn’t control that; in fact, I encouraged a relationship, but he moved 2,000 miles away when they were toddlers. I would love for them to work out their issues (and I’m sure there are a myriad) in therapy. I’ll even go with them and take my blows.
Influence from Outside Sources
- A partner, friend, therapist, or even a sibling could be influencing their decision — especially if someone is encouraging them to set boundaries or distance themselves.
- Social media and pop psychology can also lead to reassessing relationships in ways that might seem sudden or drastic.
This is an interesting concept. They are definitely both influenced by outside forces. My older daughter was in a relationship for seven years with a guy from a very unconventional, difficult family. She didn’t respect them and hated being around them, but he brought her around them all the time. In the meantime, he didn’t encourage her to come home to foster her relationship with me, and when I visited their home, he disappeared. In all those years, I hardly knew him.
My younger daughter has only had terrible boyfriends who brought her into dark worlds. Whenever I thought there was something good about someone, I was fooled and he turned out to be a drug addict or mentally abusive. She extricated herself from a toxic relationship right before moving out of state, but she didn’t learn as much as I thought and continues to use poor judgment in relationships. I realize she’s hard to have a relationship with, but she doesn’t fix herself, and the partners she chooses don’t encourage her to connect with me. I don’t blame them, necessarily. That’s just who she gravitates toward.
My daughters could be in cahoots with each other too. They’ve become close to each other in the last few years, and I’m sure they’ve bonded over lots of things, including distancing themselves from me. While I love that they’re close, I’d prefer it wasn’t at my expense.
Who knows if social media has an influence on their behavior. They are of course part of the external world, but I’m not sure about what they consume. It’s a possibility that they watch videos about estranging themselves from their oppressive mother, but maybe they just watch cute kitten reels.
A Specific Incident
- Something may have happened recently that you’re unaware of — a comment, a perceived slight, or even a misunderstanding — that triggered the change.
- If communication broke off suddenly, they may have misinterpreted something or felt hurt without explaining it.
My older daughter is a sweetheart, and she’s almost always gotten her way with me because of it. But two recent incidents, where she asked me to do something I either couldn’t do or didn’t feel comfortable doing, resulted in me saying no. I wasn’t mean or difficult, but the answer was still no. She didn’t like that, but instead of telling me she understood, she said some biting things and stopped talking to me. In March it was for more than a month, but I ended up reaching out. We didn’t address the rift then, and we kind of went back to normal. That’s when I invited myself to visit for Mother’s Day. I visited, made all the plans, and left with pretty much no warmth from my children.
Recently, I said no to an uncomfortable request that my older daughter made about visiting my home while I’m not there — with her boyfriend, whom I’ve never met, and his dog. There were a lot of things wrong with that scenario, and I politely said no. She again responded with some snarling words and then cut me off. I responded once almost apologizing but still firm, but have yet to hear back. It’s been about three weeks of nothing. So far, the silence has been two months for my younger daughter and almost one for my older daughter. My younger daughter blocked me from the phone and on social media to really drive it home.
Need for Space or Independence
- Some adult children go through phases where they need to step back and assert their independence, especially during times of stress, transition, or personal growth.
This is fine and I respect their space. I don’t interfere; in fact, I encourage them to find their own way. I don’t pressure them about what to do with their lives, and I’ve stepped so far back, it’s like I’m in another country. This giving space thing isn’t new, so the sudden cold shoulder isn’t related to this issue.
Mental Health or Emotional Overwhelm
- Depression, anxiety, or personal struggles can cause people to withdraw — not necessarily because of you, but because they don’t have the energy to maintain relationships.
I do understand this. People exhaust me and I do hang back sometimes, but I’ve never done that with my children. I don’t have a problem being alone and/or avoiding conflict or drama, and I wouldn’t ordinarily shut off from my kids, but I’m really hurt, pretty injured, and haven’t reached out in the last few weeks. It would only hurt more. How many times can I be rejected?
What are the emotional and psychological impacts of the estrangement on me?
I’m sad and heartbroken, but I’m trying to hide it. I’m surrounded, absolutely drenched, with people who talk about their kids, grandkids, cousins, sisters, brothers . . . and brag about who’s coming to visit and how many times a day they talk to them. I’m in a vacation community, and it’s so hard to be in this environment right now. The Fourth of July is in a few days, and people’s families are flying and driving here in droves to celebrate with them with parades, beach days, and festive meals, while my kids aren’t even talking to me. I’ve been hiding out a little because of it. My husband is very supportive, but I don’t tell him how deeply hurt I am. I’m maintaining that cool façade so I don’t bring him down. Frankly, his kids aren’t much better — but they at least call and text him.