12/23/2012 On Friday, I was feeling rather troubled about all that I had learned about my daughter’s secret life, and tried to go about my business anyway. I met my boyfriend at the gym to try and get out some stress. However, I truly had zero energy and my heart wasn’t in a workout. I still managed to spend 30 minutes on the treadmill with him, during which time I told him about the mugshot and school and her car. He is very supportive, but there’s no way he can reel in my emotions for me. We ended up leaving—not working out on weights—and took a little ride in his car.

When we got back to my car, he made a suggestion—that I go check out Al-Anon. A friend had suggested that a while back and I went as far as to look up the meeting schedule, but I never followed through. But I looked up the schedule right then on my phone, and there happened to be a meeting close to my house in an hour and half from then. I decided to go. Said goodbye to my boyfriend and went home to change and go to the meeting.

I’m not one to get nervous about such things, and I was motivated. I just didn’t really know what to expect. I was a little taken aback by the small number of people, and by the appearance of them. There were two very old ladies—one in a walker and the other limping; a trashy looking 60-year-old, and frumpy 40-year old; a man of unknown age with long, bushy hair, a cowboy hat, and a Quaker Oats beard; and a younger, awkward woman with tattered shoes. My first impression was snobby, but then nearly all of them were so friendly and welcoming that I forgot about my initial reaction.

It was a rough start because the scheduled leader didn’t come and that meant that someone else would have to fill in. AW agreed to do it, but she was really uncomfortable and unprepared. The Quaker Oats guy ended up doing it.

It’s a 12-step program, so there’s certain rituals they follow every time. First, the newcomers are given a welcome from a member of the group. The limping woman volunteered and she told me about how she’d been coming for 30 years, and that her husband and son were alcoholics and her daughter was a drug addict. She was very open and I appreciated that. We read the steps and the tenets of AA/Al-Anon, and then the leader picked a topic to discuss for the meeting. He talked about how his problem in his life had always been not paying attention to the what was really important, but worrying more about making life easier and ensuring that he always came out on top. I didn’t relate to that, but it was just a topic from which you could diverge.

Each person took turns speaking, some of their discussion was directly related to what QO talked about, but others talked about how the 12 steps could be applied to all parts of your life. Some just flat-out rambled; I may have been one of those people because my thoughts and feelings were all over the place. I just wanted to talk, but the time is limited and I was not following any steps. AW told me afterward that she was glad I came and that I was so articulate! Very nice of her to say.

The meeting closed with the Serenity Prayer and the words “Keep coming back. It works . . . “

Afterward, I was invited to join some of them for coffee at a nearby Denny’s. At first, I was going to say no because Denny’s is gross, it was late, and I hardly knew these people. But something told me to go. It was AW, QO guy, and me only. We ended up talking for an hour and a half—like nonstop talking. QO loves telling stories and had been involved in Al-Anon for so long that he knew everything about it. AW revealed that she had been in rehab for bipolar disorder and worked with severely mentally ill people. Fascinating discussion, enlightening stories, and very comforting to know that my feelings and experiences are not so unique. Everyone is different, of course, but it was nice to say something and have someone nod in agreement instead of judgment or horror!

As a result of the evening, I have these takeaways:

• Everyone has a story, and everyone needs support for something. I might be addicted to being controlling; thus, I have a need to clean, organize, clear out closets, and give things away.
• There’s something in everyone’s experience that can help someone else.
• When dealing with someone with an addiction, follow the three Os: Get Out of their way, get Off their backs, and get On your your life.
• Another phrase I remember: If you have to understand to accept then you don’t understand.
• The 12 steps must work; there are about 400 different programs that follow them.
• The 12 steps take work—they are in order and you can’t go to the next step until you finish the previous one. No skipping around.
• Al-Anon is not to learn how to cope with the drug addict or alcoholic; it’s purpose is to get you to get on with your life.
• Many of the people have been coming for decades, even after the family member became sober, because it’s something they do for themselves.
• They recommend you go six times before you decide if it’s for you or not. I’ll do that for sure.