You’ve gotta be kidding me. I thought I was on an upswing with my older daughter after a few agonizing months of silence. Starting with my birthday a few weeks ago, we’d been texting back and forth, and it was, if nothing else, pleasant. It seemed we were on the mend from the setup in the summer, when she warmed me up so she could go in for the kill with a weird request for the Fourth of July. She was clearly angry when I said no, and went silent until I texted her about our friends whose house caught on fire. Then she called me for my birthday and I’ve sent very careful, measured texts since. I didn’t want to offend in any of the ways all those pop culture TikToks tell me parents “cause” these estrangemets.
Today, I got a random text from her while I was sitting at baggage claim. My husband and I had taken a very early flight home from the Midwest, finally arrived at our home airport, and was waiting on a malfunctioning baggage carousel to be repaired so we could get out of there. With all that time on my hands, I was excited to receive a surprise message from my older daughter that said, “Hey mom. Are you home yet?” In my naivete, I thought she might be planning to visit me. She asked about my trip and “loved” the pictures I sent during this conversation, which was basically just a bunch of mindless, harmless small talk. Then, much like in the summer, there was a pause—maybe half an hour—and she did it again. Mind you, I thought she was in Canada on her birthday trip, so I became really confused.
She had the audacity to tell me she was flying into my city that day, not to visit me, but to go with some friends to a national park about four hours away. She claimed that she lost her license and was waiting for a replacement—and wanted to know if she could borrow my car for five days because she couldn’t rent one without a physical license. Wait, what? You’re coming to where I live (something I didn’t know until that moment) but were not planning to visit me. You’re with friends and YOU can’t rent a car, but you feel comfortable asking to borrow mine rather than having one of the other people rent one?
My stomach plummeted. There I was, elated from a wonderful adventure trip with my husband, tired from a long morning of traveling, patiently dealing with a delay in getting home, and surprised by a friendly message from my daughter. What a punch in the gut.
I told her no, that I need my car because I have so much going on, and asked “Can you have the DMV expedite it?” forgetting that she was probably already on her way to the airport. What I wanted to say was, What the fuck? Hand over my car and leave myself stranded for almost a week to someone so hurtful and disrespectful? What about your friends? Why didn’t one of them offer to rent a car? Why didn’t someone say, “Shouldn’t you spend time with your mom?” Why didn’t you think of that? Didn’t you tell me you were in Canada? Did you even stop to think how this would come off? So many more thoughts, a lot of F words.
After I said no, she responded with, “Nope, OK, thanks.” Loaded answer. What do I even say to that? I didn’t and won’t respond.
I’m gutted and didn’t want to tell my husband, but he’s my person so I did. Having him to support me and remind me that I’m a great mom does help me get through these times, but I’m still so confused. It’s a good thing I started therapy to sort this out because I really don’t understand how she’d do this again. I go through my rolodex of mother behaviors, and I really can’t see where I created this monster. I watch videos with titles like “The 12 Behaviors of Parents That Keep Kids Close,” and I’ve done them all. I wasn’t perfect, never claimed to be, but the outcome is baffling.
I’m going to make my plans and move forward, but it’s such a heavy load. Being away was so uplifting and I felt energized the entire time. Now that I’m back and sitting with this, I’m again heavy and tired and feel an emptiness and disbelief that most people could never understand. My children are gone.