10/21/2011 I agonized a bit over how to broach the subject of the tattoo with “troubled teen.” At first I was angry and wanted to lecture and yell like the old me. Then, after a day went by (we sometimes go two or three days without crossing paths, so this was normal), I was calmer. I talked to my boyfriend who’s had his share of experiences in this regard, and he shed some light on the subject. Our discussion, if you translated it to paper, would look like a spreadsheet with columns for the approach I COULD take and the consequences next to the approach I SHOULD take and the consequences.
He helped me decide to discuss it with her like an adult and perhaps ask WHY. Why did she feel compelled to sneak a tattoo illegally, knowing my feelings and my parameters? Why did she lie when asked directly if she had a tattoo? What brought her to the conclusion that getting a tattoo near her groin by someone willing to do it illegally was a good idea? What was going through her mind at the time? I told her in advance that we were going to talk about this issue so we could both be mentally prepared.
I never got the opportunity to talk to her during my angry phase; instead, the opportunity arose when I was level-headed and we were on the phone going in opposite directions. The conversation went well. I sort of talked to her like she was someone else’s kid—it probably sounded to her like I had no emotion about it at all and she was most certainly caught off guard. I’d bet she practiced what she was going to say to me when I finally confronted her.
I simply asked her if she could explain, and she was ready with her story. She told me that she got it during the time she went to live with the white trash people when she was 16. She didn’t know what she was thinking and was impulsive and stupid, and has spent the last two years hiding it from me. It didn’t come out the way she wanted, and it’s actually unfinished. She said she feels embarrassed and guilty and didn’t want me to find out because she didn’t want me to be upset, knowing how much I object to tattoos. My daughter said, “I’m sorry, Mama” many, many times—and she might actually be sorry, who knows? I’ve become a pretty good cynic, as you can imagine.
I didn’t exactly lecture, but I explained to her my concerns about her being rebellious for no apparent reason, the dangers of tattooing in general, the issue with illegal/unlicensed/underage tattooing, the cost of this mistake, the regrets she’ll have, my feelings about her being tattooed—all the ideas I’ve discussed ad nauseum with my girls and in this blog. She just said, “I know, and I’m so sorry.”
OK, so now what? Nothing. There’s nothing I can do. It’s on her body, it’s gross, I’m appalled—and I have to live with it. I asked her, since she’ll be 18 in about 7 weeks, if she planned to ink up at that time. She has every right to do it, but if that’s her decision, she’ll have to live elsewhere. She said that she knows that, and will hold off until she can afford to manage on her own—she can live without tattoos for a little longer without dying. HOWEVER, she does plan on not only getting more tattoos, but fixing the one she already has.
My hope is that she will realize how costly/dangerous they are to get vs. how costly/painful they are to remove and change her mind. I have a lot of hopes, for that matter—that she’ll get all new friends, be a straight-A student in college, and become an attorney. **Sigh**