A few weeks ago, I sent my formerly troubled teen turned estranged adult daughter a text to let her know her yoga membership that I’d been paying for would expire at the end of the month. After being ignored about everything else, it was just a one liner stating the facts. There was no emotion or anything particularly human in that text. I expected exactly the same treatment that I’d been getting for the past eight months: no reaction.
Well, who would’ve thought that she’d respond? I saw her name on my screen the next day while I was en route home from a town meeting. I waited a while before reading it and potentially answering. Quite honestly, I was nervous. With so much time having passed and with not really knowing what’s happening with her, my mind cycled through the worst. Was she going to tell me she was evicted? Jailed? Injured? Generally in a bad way?
Thank heavens it was none of that. She apologized for not responding to THAT message sooner, and explained she’s been so busy working and commutes many hours each way. My sigh of relief was heard around the world, well, maybe the block. I waited a while to respond because I didn’t want to be too happy, eager, or motherly and scare her away. I said something benign that couldn’t possibly offend anyone and be received as toxic, traumatizing, narcissistic, controlling, or sarcastic. It was basically small talk that you’d share with a stranger on line at the post office. The “conversation” went back and forth for a few exchanges, something about her wanting to join a regular gym, and then stopped. I took it as a small win, a door open, a validation that I still matter.
Several days later, I saw her name on my screen again, this time asking for the login for the yoga studio. She said she wanted to make the most of the days left on the membership. She thanked me and I told her to let me know if/when she decides to join a gym. Nothing in response and nothing since then. Again, at least I know I’m no longer blocked and she probably does read my messages. It can’t be a crime to once in a while just make a little contact, so I sent her a Valentine’s Day meme. No response, but none was expected.
It’s so strange being in this weird limbo. It’s like unrequited love, but not really—well, maybe the loving another from afar thing. I’m not starting from scratch. We have 32 years of history together and there’s always been a ton of love. How can my daughter not love me, care about me, need me? I know in my heart and soul that she still does. I’ll let her remember on her own.
I just saw a quote today that helps: “Good parents can have an estranged adult child. You can do everything right and still end up here. This isn’t a report card on your parenting. Estrangement is more about your adult child and their life choices than about you.”