12/10/2021 I’ve been reading through my posts from over the years, and I see some disturbing patterns both in myself and my daughter. No matter how old she is, and she’s two days away from 28 years old, she has a fully orchestrated routine. In the last year and a half, she’s definitely matured, so I give her that. Her good periods last much longer, and her reasoning skills are much better. Where she just can’t get it together is…
4/5/2021 That’s right. My formerly troubled daughter lost her 58-year-old father right after Valentine’s Day 2021. He died from a heart attack as he arrived home from the gym. It’s enormously heartbreaking. I’m even sad even though I haven’t seen him or talked to him for so many years. My daughters’ already complicated and confusing lives are now much more complicated and confusing. And they’re no closer to being friends, or even civil with each other. The older sister was…
2/6/2019 Today is Wednesday and if it weren’t for being busy at work with so many nice people, I’d probably be crying in the corner somewhere. It’s hard to concentrate or give a shit about my work, but I’m 55 and have learned to fake it like a pro. I’m a great phony smiler and laugher, and I’m experienced at passing people in the hall with a hearty, “Hey, how ya doin’?” But inside, I’m destroyed. I’m trying to be…
1/30/2019 I really want to start writing uplifting posts about my daughter, but the opportunity just hasn’t arisen. I talked to my daughter today, but my heart is even more barren than before. I’ve been calling my daughter at the weekly time, with the assumption that she probably won’t answer, but this week was a bit different. On Monday, I texted to tell her I couldn’t call at the regular time on Tuesday because I was having a colonoscopy and…
9/18/2018 So one day I got a text message from my daughter that she would “answer all my questions,” but used some cryptic wording that got under my skin. I have a lot of questions for and about her on a regular basis, but in the interest in keeping a relationship, however thin, I hold back. Because one of the words she used was “rough,” I got nervous and couldn’t take it, so I called her. And she answered! She…
11/2/2017 I’m still reeling from my daughter’s departure. I’m not talking about missing her or worrying about her or being nervous about her decision. No, I’m pissed off. And beyond anxious. And massively broken-hearted. On Friday, October 13, 2017, she finally got into her car (I turned over the title to her, so the car and the insurance are all hers now) and started on the road to Portland for her new life. She spent a long time planning her…
9/11/2017 I’ve said recently that I wish my daughter would just move away so I could breathe. She’s been talking about moving out of state for a very long time, but she decided to just do it. Not think too much, just go. Like within the month. She’s plotting and planning, updating her resume and applying for jobs, researching neighborhoods and applying for rentals, and planning when she’s going to give her notice at work. All of a sudden I’m…
9/5/2017 I’m ready to write a Dear John letter to both my children. I’m just so frustrated and over these incessant complaints. They’re 23 and 25 and acting like spoiled children. After all THEY put ME through! They want to be happy, they have dreams, they shouldn’t have to work like this, they shouldn’t have to do what they’re doing just to pay the bills . . . Man, shut the eff up. I’m 54, and have worked since I…
3/8/2016 Here’s a big deal, a really big deal. My mother died last March after suffering mercilessly from lung cancer. It was eight months of sickness and pain, as she tried and tried to beat it, be strong, and not think like a patient. But cancer is an asshole, and doesn’t care that it blindsides victims that don’t deserve the torture. She was the love of our lives, the light in our eyes, and we can’t have her anymore. My…