10/24/22 So here we are again. Six months after the whole world seemed to be full of rainbows and puppy dogs again. My dear younger daughter was on her way to success–new job, new apartment, good health, clean and sober. Well, to make a long story short, the time off marijuana wasn’t enough to pass a drug test for the new company, and it was a dealbreaker. Not only that, the company she was working for was a subcontractor of…
2/13/2019 My troubled daughter (I still habitually label her this way) is back in town and I’ve been ruminating over this new situation. She arrived two days ago after driving 1,500 miles straight through with her location services on but turned them off as soon as she got to her boyfriend’s house. I received one text to tell me she was soooo tired, and haven’t heard anything since. Hello? I’m here. I’m your mother. Tap, tap. Is this thing on? So here I am, feeling: Excitement: I…
2/6/2019 Today is Wednesday and if it weren’t for being busy at work with so many nice people, I’d probably be crying in the corner somewhere. It’s hard to concentrate or give a shit about my work, but I’m 55 and have learned to fake it like a pro. I’m a great phony smiler and laugher, and I’m experienced at passing people in the hall with a hearty, “Hey, how ya doin’?” But inside, I’m destroyed. I’m trying to be…
1/30/2019 Because my relationship with my daughter is pretty much nonexistent, I truly don’t know if she is fighting an addiction. She’s done a lot of drugs in her life, but she’s never been diagnosed with an addiction or been to rehab. As far as I know, she chooses this lifestyle; it doesn’t choose her. There are no addicts (that I know of) in my family, and I barely know anything about her father’s family. She’s managed to work, drive,…
1/29/2018 The worst part, and this is so terrible, is that she even lied about who she stayed with when she came home. Her sister ratted on her, so this is how I know, but I have to pretend not to know, which is emotionally painful and makes me physically ill. She cheated on her inappropriate boyfriend with her old boyfriend, whom I used to like, but now has learned to treat her like shit because she allows it. She…
1/29/2018 Time for an update. Daughter has been in her new city nearly four months, and she’s not doing great—not following through on all the promises to me and to herself. She’s as behind as an adult as she ever was, the difference being I can’t see it first-hand. We had a crisis, though, so I had to swoop in . . . again . . . and for what? First the lies. Even though she’s 24, she still lies…
11/2/2017 I’m still reeling from my daughter’s departure. I’m not talking about missing her or worrying about her or being nervous about her decision. No, I’m pissed off. And beyond anxious. And massively broken-hearted. On Friday, October 13, 2017, she finally got into her car (I turned over the title to her, so the car and the insurance are all hers now) and started on the road to Portland for her new life. She spent a long time planning her…
9/11/2017 I’ve said recently that I wish my daughter would just move away so I could breathe. She’s been talking about moving out of state for a very long time, but she decided to just do it. Not think too much, just go. Like within the month. She’s plotting and planning, updating her resume and applying for jobs, researching neighborhoods and applying for rentals, and planning when she’s going to give her notice at work. All of a sudden I’m…
9/8/2017 Have to write something or I’ll burst. It’s just amazing how things change from day to day. Yesterday I had a jumble of emotions and could hardly keep them in check. Thank heaven I had colonics yesterday, or it all would’ve been backed up to my ribcage. Speaking of colonics, I do have a problem with my system (stress, medication, age, genetics, stress, stress, anxiety, stress) so every once in a while I get cleaned out. I skipped a…
9/5/2017 I’m ready to write a Dear John letter to both my children. I’m just so frustrated and over these incessant complaints. They’re 23 and 25 and acting like spoiled children. After all THEY put ME through! They want to be happy, they have dreams, they shouldn’t have to work like this, they shouldn’t have to do what they’re doing just to pay the bills . . . Man, shut the eff up. I’m 54, and have worked since I…