12/15/2011 It’s the countdown to having a real empty nest. Not one of those false alarms from age 16, then age 17. This is a well thought-out version of my daughter moving out. Even though I don’t agree with some of her plans, she has solid plans this time and she’s actually being very mature about the situation. I have to give her credit and lots of respect for this. I also must give her due credit for being aware of money,…
12/9/2011 Underneath it all, I have a tremendous amount of guilt. I have bouts where I feel so damn guilty about who and what my daughter has become, even though logically I know that much of what’s happened is inherent in her, and is her doing. I see how successful my other child is and, knowing that I parented them equally—with equal values, equal love, and equal experiences—their perspectives, personalities, and personas are vastly different. That said, my guilt these…
12/9/2011 As this year comes to a close, and Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year’s are right at my feet, I realize that the experiences I’ve had cannot be exactly be categorized. There have been some tremendously rewarding moments—like buying my house—and some tragically frightening moments—like picking up my stoned daughter from a shitty park in the middle of the night. If I were the type to write one of those boring Christmas letters that I get from well meaning acquaintances each…
12/6/2011 Some recent facts and findings: I found a homemade bong made from a plastic water bottle. The thing was configured with a hole punched in the side and tin foil around the lip, and the smell was obvious. It was right on my daughter’s floor—I was just looking for the lint brush. My daughter allowed me a peek into how bad she used to be. She said whenever she was with a particular friend, they were high on ecstasy or Xanax…
12/2/2011 Sadly, life with my troubled teen has been dismal and miserable for the past few weeks. I’m a bundle of nerves, stressed to the point of physical illness, and spend my days grinding my teeth and feeling like I’m suffocating. I can’t say or do anything right; even my most innocuous comments, like “Have a good day,” are met with disdain and disgust. It’s like she turned on me all of a sudden. I’ve been trying to reflect on…
11/23/2011 Today is Wednesday, but let me backtrack to Tuesday night. I’m a sucker. I won’t learn. I always trust, hope, and pray that things will be better. We didn’t fight Tuesday morning when I drove her to work. There was little communication throughout the day. This deserves a mention—until this past week, she was conscientious about calling me each day and updating me and just sort of checking in. Now the secretiveness is back in spades. When I got…
11/23/2011 So troubled daughter has a new boyfriend—and she’s really smitten with him. She’s physically, emotionally, and mentally attracted to him and what he represents. They’re moving fast and have even changed their Facebook statuses (I guess that’s a huge deal for young people). It would normally be just fine, young love, an “awwww” moment, but they’re moving really fast. She’s been on cloud nine and tells me how special he makes her feel and how he goes out of…
10/26/2011 Just when I thought it was going to be smooth sailing, the water got rough and salty again. I had my mom over to help me put up curtains, and before we could get open the package to the double rod set, troubled daughter called me—totally hysterical. She had been in another accident. She was on her way somewhere on the freeway, and the driver in front of her slammed on their brakes, causing my daughter to slam on…
10/21/2011 Brain scans show risk is more fun when friends watch. Published on October 16, 2011 by Nancy Darling, Ph.D. I love Car Talk, NPR’s car centered talk show starring Tom and Ray Maggliozi. The Car Guys claim that many of the dumbest things ever done are preceded by the immortal words Hey guys! Watch this! I think they call them “famous last words.” They must know a lot about teenagers. Adolescents and Risk Adolescents are known for taking risks. Although generally healthy, they spend…
Credit: Nancy Darling, PhD, (2011), http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/thinking-about-kids/201110/teens-respond-pleasure-not-pain-parent-accordingly 10/21/2011 It’s not often that I read a scientific paper and immediately change how I parent my child. But I did last week. I was reading a series of pieces by developmental psychologist, Laurence Steinberg, first recipient of the Klaus Jacobs award for “groundbreaking contributions to the improvement of the living conditions of young people.” Steinberg has spent his career studying adolescents. His early work focused on the family—how teens renegotiate family relations during the pubertal transition (kids…