9/11/2017 I’ve said recently that I wish my daughter would just move away so I could breathe. She’s been talking about moving out of state for a very long time, but she decided to just do it. Not think too much, just go. Like within the month. She’s plotting and planning, updating her resume and applying for jobs, researching neighborhoods and applying for rentals, and planning when she’s going to give her notice at work.

All of a sudden I’m sick to my stomach and nervous from worry. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for it. I think she’ll grow up a lot and will finally be out of here, a place she has despised for as long as I can remember, and the place where she’s had all her troubles. I realize (and I hope she does) that she’ll bring her whole self with her—attitude, strengths and weaknesses, gifts and problems.

But here’s the thing. Because of this abrupt announcement, I suspect she’s hiding something about herself that she doesn’t want me to see. Not her depression, I know about that; not a pregnancy, she’s got an IUD. Something is too mysterious and shady (of course I do jump to conclusions when it comes to this child). She doesn’t want to answer my questions about her going alone. She’s driving about 2,500 miles to the new place—about 24 hours’ worth of continuous driving. She’s never done anything like that before—hell, neither have I. I will be anxiety-ridden from the moment she leaves home to the moment she checks into the Airbnb or wherever she has planned.

Another thing is that where she’s going is soooo far from home, soooo far from me. I’ll likely never see her—maybe ever again. I barely see her now and we live and work within breathing distance of each other. Why so far? Is she a lesbian? I’d be so relieved to find that out. Is she planning to go away with her current loser boyfriend? I’d be horrified for many reasons, but mainly because he has children he’d be ditching, much like her father did to her. If she were to condone that, I’d be shocked because of the pain it caused her. He would be soooo far from his kids. I can’t imagine someone decent would do that.

She promised to share her plan with me when it’s fully formulated. I’ve helped her find employers to apply to and she’s sharing rental home notices with me. So she plans to live someplace, work someplace—not live in her car or become a beggar on the street. She sounds clearheaded, so I don’t suspect she’s using drugs (well, maybe pot).

So I wish for her to find her bliss, find a place where she can feel at home. But now I’m so worried that she’s making a mistake. I’m afraid for her and for me, but she doesn’t seem to be that nervous (this is a little suspicious as well). She said it’s a good scared—she’ll find a good job and will continue with school. She just needs to be “away from here before she cracks.” Mama will probably crack, though.