Where am I today? In some ways, I’m in a very good place with my relationship with each daughter. My older daughter and I have gotten back to our close bond and even took a trip together recently. It was the first time I’d seen her since Mothers Day weekend, eight months ago. We used to take mother-daughter trips frequently—places like Cabo, Santa Fe, Boise, CrimeCon . . . . This time, we went to Las Vegas to see The Wizard of Oz at the Sphere and to do some hiking in Red Rock Canyon. We had lots of time to talk and even got a little deep. We didn’t argue, which usually happens when we haven’t seen each other in a while, and nobody cried. We acutually listened to each other and I felt very close to her.
I’m also very proud of the young adult she’s become, but she’s letting her mental health go a little, using the cost of counseling as the excuse. I’ve told her numerous times that I would pay for it because I believe in it so much. She also revealed that she’s having these episodes where her heart pounds and she sweats profusely, and it seems to come out of nowhere. I’ve urged and reminded her to see a doctor to rule out any medical issues, like a hormone imbalance, before seeing if they’re anxiety attacks. She is really stressed out and burned out, and it’s hard to see. But she’s 34, and I can’t make those appointments for her. Well, I can, but she’s very independent and needs to decide when and who. My instinct is to travel to where she lives and take over, but, yeah, no.
As for my younger child, the one this blog was about for years, there’s not much to report. She still ignores me, and my messages to her are quite infrequent. I’m leaving her alone so she can “enjoy” her fabulous life without me, but I still don’t know a thing. I don’t want to involve her sister because that’s not fair, but I did get that she’s not using drugs, she still has her main job, she has an additional mystery job that takes her four hours away on a regular basis, she rehomed one of her dogs (a decision she’d been toying with for a couple of years), and she’s relatively fine. They still get along, though it appears to me that my older daughter sort of parents her sister in place of me, and that includes helping her with money and being a shoulder for her to cry on.
I also know that she’s still on her mental health medication, because her visits with her psychiatric nurse practioner are billed to me. It’s $250 every time she goes, so I had to question the billing when I got three charges within a month. The NP assured me that she’s had her doses adjusted that many times and it was legit. I’m ok with that because it means she’s on top of it.
She hasn’t gone to talk therapy in a couple of years, which is too bad because she did well with it. It helped her get through living in a new city and leaving behind me, her shithead boyfriend, and familiarity. Instead, she was going to a workout studio several times a week—and she considered it a better and more productive form of therapy. I’ve been paying for that for the last few years because she really was enjoying it and getting a lot from it. She seemed calm and loved how it made her look and feel. Last week, I got a late cancellation charge and looked up what that meant. I saw that she’s only been to three classes in the last three months. It’s $159 a month, which is worth every penny if she uses it, but it’s a $1900 black hole for me if she doesn’t.
Now that I’m on Social Security, I have to watch the outgo very closely. I sent her a message to ask if she planned on using that membership going forward and I waited several days for an answer. Guess what? I didn’t get one, so I requested that the membership be paused after this month. I learned the policy is that the membership can be paused for one month at no charge, but if she restarts and needs to pause again, there’s a charge. If it’s canceled altogether, then the “great” rate goes away. I’m not trying to punish her, at least I don’t think so; I just need my money to be spent wisely.
All that to say that I’m mostly accepting that my social and emotional relationship with her may be over, but the financial one lingers on. I don’t like it, nor do I understand it, but she doesn’t want me in her life—and I certainly don’t want to be where I’m not wanted. I do admit that not being involved in her problems is easier and more peaceful, though I still think about her a lot. She’s often in my dreams and I worry to the point of poor sleep. I keep busy and try to be social, but there are days that I walk in circles and see reminders all over my home, my town, and my mind, and I can’t focus.
My therapy helps me to word and thought vomit all over the place, though it’s my own strength that propels me forward. I’m not totally convinced I’m being counseled, but I like the therapist and I’m giving her a shot. I’ve told many more people I trust about my estrangement situation, and they’re kind for the most part, though most of them don’t understand. I give them grace. It’s like how I didn’t understand cancer before my mother became sick. I could be nice and say kind things, but I had no authentic idea of the misery.
I truly don’t wish this ambiguous grief on anyone. So I have essentially no relationship with her, but it’s better than a bad one maybe??