I have so many thoughts swimming in my head. Some have to do with my children, but most don’t, though they’re always a factor in my anxiety. In a stream of consciousness:
First: My husband had a big meltdown this morning. He’s overwhelmed with pressure and disappointment, and I don’t blame him one bit. He has so many responsibilities and nothing seems to be going well in his view—not with business or with finances or with our four collective children or with our overall health. On top of everything, he said he’s bored with his life. He’s sick of our routine, his friends, his day-to-day life, but when I ask him what he’d like to do instead, he has no idea. He’s so caught up in the negativity of our country and his small bubble, he’s lost sight. I feel badly that I can’t fix it. But I think he just needs a soft landing from me. He knows I can’t magically make our families be normal. I can’t even make it feel like we actually have a family. Whatever created the glue in the past has disintegrated. I guess that’s why we cling to each other so tightly.
Second: I’m having foot surgery in 11 days. I have a plantar plate tear and arthritis in my left foot, and it’s caused so much pain that I can’t do my normal activities. I love to hike and work out, but after a certain amount of time, my foot flares up and it doesn’t feel worth it. That impacts everything we “stand for.” I had to cancel my whole month of March and probably April. I know it’s the right thing to do to seal my fate for the next few years, but it’s so frustrating. I can’t hike or lead my hiking group, I won’t be able to drive, and I can’t commit to anything really because I don’t know how I’m going to feel or heal. I could be down for four weeks or it could be 10. It’s all unknown. I don’t get bored easily, but it’s not exactly going to be fun.
Third: My kids. It’s still quiet on the estranged daughter front. Since that last exchange a week ago, it’s back to silence. Her sister is mad at me again, I think. I sent her a present for Valentines’ Day, and that was good. She’s happy with that. But she found a therapist (also good), but said texted me to say she’s “not allowed” to only go every other week; it has to be once a week for maximum benefit. While that’s true, I told her that the therapist should work with her and her budget, and since money is a stressor for so many people, they shouldn’t “require” every week. I already agreed to pay for two sessions a month, which totals $400, so if she doesn’t want to pay for it herself, she should go to the first meeting, see if she likes the therapist, and make arrangements from there. I thought my texts were bossy, so I left a nice voicemail to explain that I didn’t mean to sound that way. I haven’t heard a word back from her. She goes silent when she’s mad, but it’s usually preceded by a mean message, so I’m not sure what’s brewing. It’s been stressing me out and I woke up with a migraine today.
Fourth: Tomorrow, my husband and I are leaving for an out-of-town hike, our favorite annual event. Only this time, I’m not hiking; he’s going alone. He’s nervous but brave, and I’ll be there to cheer for him. I feel guilty because these events are OUR thing.
Fifth: I’m bummed that this coming week will be the last session with my therapist. I’ll be transferred to her boss, who’s apparently wonderful too. I really like this lady, though. She was easy to talk to, even though I’m not sure how she was counseling me. She was mostly supportive and encouraging. It was just nice to be in a setting where I could say what I want. She was vague about where she’s off to. I hope she wasn’t fired or anything; she deserves a great opportunity.
That’s it for the moment. Ahhh, that felt good to release some of the clutter.