As I’ve written before, I’ve joined a Facebook group for estranged parents. There are a LOT of members, mostly mothers, and this is only one group of many to join. I took a look at the members list, and while there were a number of local people who were friends of friends, I didn’t know any of them. But there was one person I did know—a distant friend from my high school days. I never knew her well, but we’ve been Facebook friends for years. I swallowed my pride and reached out to her, hoping she’d want to talk about her situation with me. It was a gamble, but worth a shot.
Surprisingly but happily, she responded right away and we set up an appointment to have a video call. That was yesterday and I’m so glad I reached out. Like any two lives, ours are different; however, we did have many similarities. We’re the same age, we’re both in later-age marriages, we both have two millenial daughters who are close in age, and we both live(d) for our children. We were both goody two-shoes who never caused or got into any trouble as young people, and we’re both grieving.
Her situation is even worse than mine, if it’s even fair to compare. Her estranged daughter has an alcohol problem and a history of lying, and she’s been really cruel to her mother. She said horrible things to her mother; mine two daughters essentially just ghosted me without warning. My friend has endured so much for the past two years and has had therapy and at times been put on meds. She’s farther along in her grief cycle, and other than a brief window of calmness that blew up in her face, her daughter is a ghost. One of my daughters used to have a drug issue but was I assume sober and on prescription medication last time I checked, and the other one is just angry and demonstrating it by ignoring me. Funny thing is, I’ve told both my kids about my childhood and that the worst punishment for me, à la my father, is the silent treatment. They must’ve internalized this, thus the reason they chose this instrument of “torture.”
Getting back to our conversation, it was so nice to be able to be honest with someone besides my husband. I’m not even sure I can impart my feelings that well to him; it seemed easier to talk to another mother. He’s wonderful and supportive, but I always fear that the more I tell him, the more jaded he’ll be about my kids. What if we make up and I forgive them? Will he forgive them too? It’s like when one of my kids would complain about a boyfriend, it was hard to stay neutral. I’d have to be on her side. But they’d inevitably make up and forget what they were angry about, and I’d be left holding the bag. I didn’t have a chance to make up with them! She understood the utter confusion and having the rug pulled out from under me and the myriad of emotions that come in different waves, different patterns, and different orders. Right now, I’m angry but also sad and confused. Tomorrow I might be indifferent.
Today happens to be Rosh Hoshanah and we went to a very cool service. Our rabbi holds services at her house and it’s in our neighborhood. We’ve been part of this congregation for a while now, and it feels good to belong somewhere. I cried through most of the program today, especially the cantorial soloist’s part. Here voice is magical and instantly brings me to tears. I resonated with all the parts and themes:
Renewal and New Beginnings
It marks the start of the Jewish year, a time to reflect on the past and begin fresh.
The theme of teshuvah (return/repentance) encourages turning back to one’s best self and to God.
Reflection and Self-Examination
A period to honestly assess one’s actions, relationships, and spiritual state.
It begins the Ten Days of Awe leading to Yom Kippur, when forgiveness is sought.
Accountability and Judgment
Jewish tradition teaches that on Rosh Hashanah, God inscribes everyone’s fate in the “Book of Life.”
It’s a time to recognize accountability for one’s deeds and make amends.
Hope and Prayer for a Good Year
The greeting Shanah Tovah (“a good year”) expresses hope for sweetness, health, peace, and blessing.
Customs like dipping apples in honey symbolize this wish for a sweet year.
Kingship of God and Universal Themes
The shofar (ram’s horn) is blown to awaken spiritual awareness and proclaim God’s sovereignty.
Rosh Hashanah isn’t only personal; it also emphasizes the world’s renewal and the dream of universal peace.
Very powerful couple of days.