It’s now been four and a half months since my younger daughter has spoken a single word to me, and other than a weird phone call, three months for my older daughter. I’ve joined some Facebook groups for people experiencing estrangement and, while it provides some comfort knowing that I’m not alone, my membership doesn’t take away the pain and confusion of it.
Some of the stories in these groups are similar to mine: the parent loved and nurtured their child and provided everything they knew how to with the tools they had. They know they’re not perfect, but they were there for their kids at every turn. Others are very different: they’re probably toxic or narcisistic parents who don’t have any self-awareness, take no accountability, and see themselves as victims. Naturally, I feel like a victim, but I know that’s just a feeling. The reality is I’m no victim and I’m very strong. If I weren’t so strong, I’d be a basket case. I’m resillient and stubborn, and believe that this will all be resolved at some point.
I know there’ll be an opening. In fact, as I mentioned above, I had a weird phone call with my older daughter about a week and half ago. Sadly, it was based on a near tragedy involving an old friend of our family. When my girls were very young and I was still a teacher, a mom in the neighborhood, “Jean,” became their babysitter. Her family grew to be like our family, and my girls loved them very much. They were especially fond of the babysitter’s husband, “Ben.” He was always loving, kind, and gentle–like a grandfather to them–and they adored him. Over the years, we’d lost touch other than through Facebook posts, and hadn’t spoken to them in about seven or eight years.
About two weeks ago, their daughter-in-law posted a GoFundMe request because Jean and Ben’s house caught fire. Jean and an adult daughter who was living with them got out safely, but Ben had to be rescued and resuscitated. He then became in inpatient in the burn unit. I immediately texted the links to my older daughter, as I know my younger one has blocked me, and she responded in seconds, followed by a phone call. It started off with us both in shock, and then she said, “I know you won’t do this, but you should let Jean and her daughter stay in your house.” I was taken aback by the way that sliced the conversation, and told her not to say such mean things for no reason. I then redirected the conversation by reminding her that they have a huge family, their oldest daughter and her family live minutes from them, they are pillars of the comminity with friends everywhere, and they are very involved in their church. There’s no reason they’d want to stay an hour away from Ben who’s lying in the hospital. She got it.
We had a nice conversation, and I signed off with “I miss you and I love you.” I texted a few days later to say there were no updates and that I donated on our behalf to GoFundMe. I’ve gotten no response at all. Last week, I sent this daughter a brand-new sports bra I found while thrifting with the name of her Ivy League school on it. She loves thrifting and is proud of her school, so I thought she’d get a kick out of it. It was delivered six days ago, and I haven’t received any acknowledgement. So, I’m back on the no-fly list again.