4/9/22 A few weeks ago, my husband and I were sitting at home after the workday, deciding if we were going to hike, work out, or go to yoga. Just a low-key, easy evening. It was interrupted by an emotional call from my formerly (and still sometimes) troubled daughter’s boyfriend, whom she lives with.

He said he didn’t know what to do. They had gotten into a fight in the car after he picked her up from work and she got so angry and upset that she threatened to take her own life. He responded by saying he was either going to take her to the hospital or call me. He drove all the way to the hospital and she bolted from the car and started walking.

While I was talking to him, she called and told me her version. They had a fight and all she wanted to do was go home and he took her to the hospital instead. She got so mad she started walking home. Home being about five miles away.

So I put one on hold while I talked to the other. He revealed things I wasn’t aware of; some I shouldn’t be. He told me she’d actually had her car repossessed months before, something I had no idea about. I had even questioned why, when she came to my house, she drove his truck. I jokingly said, “Oh, your car’s too dirty to show its face at my house? He said they fight all the time and she won’t even eat dinner with him. She just gets on her computer and ignores him. He also confessed what they were fighting about: she wanted to go away with some girlfriends for the weekend. He accused them of being swingers with their husbands and her of wanting to cheat on him with the girls (remember, she claims to be bisexual). It sounded weird to me, and I wasn’t sure if he was just being insecure; he’s a generally insecure person.

Back to her. I told her what he said about the weekend trip, and she said it was nonsense. It’s just a trip with some nerdy girlfriends. I don’t believe either one of them, but I’m sure the truth is in there somewhere. The long and short of it is she wanted to get away and he doesn’t trust her. The fight was the troubling part. When I also said he told me about the car, she hung up on me.

Back to him. I asked where she was and he gave me her “last known whereabouts.” I said I was coming to find her; my husband and I were getting in the truck right away to start the 45-minute drive. First, I hung up with the boyfriend and tried calling my daughter a few times but she didn’t answer. I became even more worried at this point; you just don’t take suicide threats lightly, especially since she’s on mood stabilizing drugs for BPD and ADHD. I called the boyfriend again and kept him on the speaker phone during the whole drive. He had parked in a shopping center a mile or so from the hospital to decompress from the high emotions. He lost sight of her, but kind of knew her route.

During this phone call, a lot of things came to light. Besides telling us how in love with her he is and how much they fight and she ignores him, he was afraid that she ‘d hate him for calling me and that she didn’t love him anymore—or never did—and was just using him for his house after she was evicted. She wasn’t, though; I was on the lease and every cent was paid. She was even on a month-to-month agreement after the lease was up. The using him accusation doesn’t really make sense, since she pays half the expenses and he begged her to come live with him.

I told him that even if she became angry, he did the right thing by calling me; in fact, he should’ve called me earlier if he saw she was struggling. I explained that I’m her mother and am never off duty. I might take coffee breaks now and again, but I should always be the first resource.

All that aside, I asked if she was using drugs. He said not really, but he does. Then, it came out. He not only smokes cigarettes and marijuana (I kind of suspected), drinks alcohol (my daughter said he is probably an alcoholic), but he also uses cocaine. He claimed that it’s not that “big a deal” because it doesn’t stay in the system that long. Long story short, he started doing coke with his grandmother at 17, has been in rehab several times (“that doesn’t work for me”), and doesn’t plan to quit (though he contradicted himself a few times, saying he and his “buddies” have talked about it). I asked if my daughter has done that too, and he said a few times. Since I only care about her, he’s not my child, I got pretty upset by that. I explained that she’s on all this medication and anything else—weed, alcohol, etc.—can undo its effect and possibly cause more problems, like serious depression and suicidal thoughts. The fact that this is in front of her and her being weak to it, is unacceptable and putting her in danger. He had nothing to say and was kind of unsympathetic to a person he claims to love so much.

My husband also chimed in, and I noticed the boyfriend’s tendency to talk over us and gloss over the seriousness of what he’d just told us. We really don’t judge—I mean, who are we to do that with what we’ve been through—but it really made me understand the situation my daughter is in and the person she’s in it with.

I hung up with him and we drove to his house to see if my daughter was there yet. I tried calling her again from outside and, thankfully, she picked up. She was still a couple of miles away, and we were able to track her down and pick her up. She was annoyed at first that we came out there to “rescue” her, but was also so relieved to see us. I gave her hugs and cuddles, and let her cry. She literally went from stone to tears. We first took her home so she could let her dogs out. I was hoping to use the bathroom, but I couldn’t even walk into the house from the horrible weed smell.

I texted the boyfriend to let him know she was safely with her parents, and he asked what he should do; he was parked at the end of the road. I told him to just go home; we’d be taking her to dinner to help her calm down. We crossed paths and he was super rude and unfriendly toward me, but really, who cared at that point?

TBD