9/6/2017 Yesterday was a letter day; today is a journal day. I’m feeling so many feelings over my formerly troubled teen—and now confounding adult—daughter. I need to express those feelings or I’ll cry and one of my coworkers will ask me what’s wrong and I’ll be embarrassed and my makeup will run and I’ll want to go home and I’ll get none of my work done and I’ll lose my job and I won’t be able to shop at Ross Dress for Less anytime I damn well please. Don’t be surprised if this post is a bit wonky and all over the place.

So back to my feelings. Between you and me, anonymous reader and/or just my journal post, I kind of deep down wish she would find a job in another state and be on her own and leave me be. Maybe call me once a month to tell me how great she’s doing, but not ask for anything and not have to be relied on to come through for me. There are days when I just can’t take it anymore and I have to pretend everything’s great. I don’t tell my husband these feelings because he would think I’m just joking or not the woman he married. I feel guilty, but it’s the honest truth. I have a hunch I’m not alone in wishing my problems (read: my daughter’s problems) would just disappear. I love her so much; I just don’t really like her sometimes. I would never choose her as a friend in real life.

That said (God, I hate that expression—it’s used all the time on the Bachelor, along with the words “amazing” and “like”), here’s why I’m frustrated, spent, maybe pissed off, and extremely anxious.

She does side work for me and is paid really well for it—like double minimum wage. It’s not perfectly steady, but she gets an extra $400 to $1100 each month to help with expenses. If only she would use her money wisely and save it all. She said that’s what she was doing, but seems to still come up short with rent half the time. She has a full-time job as well.

I have a lot of experience using contractors and I expect them to be professional and communicative. When they’re not, I don’t use them anymore. Buh-bye! My daughter’s been flaky and acting as if she gets special treatment or allowances because she’s my daughter. I wonder if she’d be this unreliable for someone else. This month, she has really disappointed me. I expected something this morning and didn’t receive it, so I texted her. She said she didn’t feel well last night, so she was up early to do the work. I said it could be done tonight instead. I see some of the work was done today at 7:30 a.m., but that’s the time she’s supposed to be at work. I texted her the question, “Are you at work now?” and didn’t receive an answer. We work in the same complex, so I drove past her parking lot on my way in at 8—her car isn’t there and it’s now 9 a.m. and I haven’t heard back.

In most cases, a person would think nothing of this. Unfortunately, she has a past. She has secretly quit jobs and not told me because she was either ashamed or didn’t want to hear my disappointment. She’s been saying lately that she has anxiety about going to work, wants to quit and go somewhere else, and plans to move away. She announces these things perhaps to get a reaction out of me, and while I secretly want her to do all that, I want her to have a plan that makes it makes sense. You don’t just quit your life. (I ranted about this in yesterday’s post.)

To summarize, she hasn’t responded to my texts, her car isn’t in the work parking lot, and I am left with anxiety about where she is and what she’s doing and if she just effed up her life again after having so much success at this job. But, naturally, she’s taken up with a loser boyfriend who’s probably influenced her negatively. She’s a follower, unfortunately, not a leader, and a chameleon. I feel sick to my stomach and have a massive headache and am clenching my jaw. I can’t even bear to know anything bad. I called her work number and got her voice recording, but it could mean they haven’t deleted it yet. I know from experience that IT isn’t always quick on the draw. I’m totally thinking the worst because that’s mostly what I’ve gotten out of this relationship. Please, if there is a God, make all this worry be for nothing. I want peace and all I get is turmoil.