5/10/2016 I’m taking a break from my daughter for a while. I don’t know how long that while will be, but I just about can’t handle her anymore. I can’t really tell anyone because they just won’t understand and will probably judge me as a failure as a mother, so I’m limited to this blog. I’m feeling grateful that I had the forethought to do this when my disappointments and despair first began.

As I may have mentioned, she’s planning to move to another city and took a week-long trip there with her best friend, a sweet gay young man who puts up with her crap and still loves her. He deserves an award for taking a road trip with her and not killing her and hiding the body along the interstate. They took the 20 or so hour (each way) drive together, and planned out their route and accommodations. I figured that meant she had the money somehow or he did, but I still put some emergency money in an account I let her use—clearly my enabler funds—without mentioning it.
I didn’t tell her about it until she actually asked if I could loan her a little money (after she had already left; what a surprise), but I said it was only for “just in case” situations. She turned on the charm and thanked me and assured me that’s what she’d use it for, and proceeded to tell me how excited she was to be on her way. I’ve been very supportive of this trip and her starting over and asked to be kept in the loop. She did an OK job of it, but I’m smart enough to know that she probably did some stupid things while there.

Nevertheless, her trip home was through my sister’s and my other daughter’s area, where I happened to be for Mother’s Day weekend. Her plan was to come through and visit with her aunt and sister before heading back home. Well, she stayed with her sister but blew off her aunt (whose children were looking forward to seeing her), and didn’t even call. I’ve learned to stop making excuses for my daughter, so it was hard when my sister was upset. The little ones at least barely know my daughter, so it didn’t hit them as much

I got a happy Mother’s Day text from her. No card or e-mail with heartfelt words, of course, just a text.

After I was settled in back at home, I caught up with my e-mails, and got a notice that the balance in the aforementioned bank account was below $25. How the hell could that be?? I put $500 in there. I investigated, and along with typical gas purchases and fast food, there were three giant purchases at records stores and several large withdrawals. Two of those debits took place the day she got home.

I was so angry and told her to return those items immediately. It always has to be through texting because she doesn’t answer the phone. She put on the “sorrys” and the “I know I screwed ups” and the “I’ll take care of its” but it wasn’t until today that she actually did. At least she texted to tell me; I’m afraid to actually check because of how I might feel if she’s lying.

So today was supposed to be my alternate Mother’s Day with her, planned two weeks ago. I asked her if we were still on. For about the 5th time in a row, she’s made excuses to get out of being with me. This time it’s that she has to get her butt in gear to get a 2nd job and cut hair on the side and can we make it over the weekend. In addition, she admitted to taking money out of another account to pay off something else and she’s so sorry that she fucked up and on and on and on.

I just said, “I’m going to pass on this weekend. Go figure your stuff out. I’m stepping back for a while.” She read my text and did not respond. She probably doesn’t give a shit; she might even be relieved.

I’m sitting at work, typing away, trying to keep my shit together. I want to cry and I really want to tell someone how I feel, but there’s no one. I can’t even discuss it with my husband because he’s too protective. He’ll try to fix it—talk to her or something—and will end up making it worse.

I feel so betrayed. I’ve been part of every downfall and victory, I’ve helped her through tough times, sat in court with her, been awakened in the middle of the night by cops, loaned her money, got her started in school (and restarted in school), listened to her tell me about her hopes and dreams, paid her rent, gave her a car to drive so she could go to work and school, sat with her when her cat was sick, made friends with her boyfriend . . . all kinds of shit good and bad.
And now she steals from me and can’t stop lying to me and cheating me out of the relationship I deserve. It was one of the shittiest Mother’s Day I’ve ever had—even the first one without my mother was better. Now I have no mother, one daughter is leaving for a year, and this one . . . this one . . . I don’t even know what you call what she’s done. It’s not “spreading her wings” or “asserting her independence.” It’s being shady and cruel and disrespectful and hurtful.

I think I’m more depressed than I have been in a long time. I always wanted to be a mother, a mommy, a mama, and my total failure is pretty evident. I am a birth mother, nothing more, to this person.