Original publish date: April 5, 2011
“I love you with all my heart. I can’t wait until we move into our new house. We’ll have so much time together.” That is a recent text from my “troubled teen.” I put that in quotations purposely—that’s what a mother will wait a lifetime to hear, and when she does, she forgets the past in an instant.
She tells me these types of things quite often, and I truly believe that’s how she feels. However, there’s a part of me that worries that there’s an ulterior motive when she expresses it. I don’t mean to be so distrustful or cynical, but considering our history, it’s honestly always at the back of my mind. Other parents who have been through a similar experience would probably understand. I will always give her the benefit of the doubt and hope for the best, but at the same time I feel like I’m also always waiting for the “other shoe to drop” or whatever the expression.
This time, though, I really think she’s looking at this upcoming move as a new beginning. She has all sorts of plans for herself—as if the first day in the house separates the old life from the new one. She plans to quit smoking, get better friends, work out and take better care of her body, find a decent boyfriend, start planning for college, keep her room clean . . . everything that I would love to see happen. I would also love to see her continue to open up to me more and trust me.
She did have a sort of breakthrough the other day. She actually told me that she feels lonely. She didn’t say it in anger, or use it as an excuse for other unrelated behavior, she just needed to share her feelings and trusted me enough to discuss them. I told her I was very proud of her for being so honest and mature, and for wanting to make a change. We delved into these feelings a little more, and she also shared that she feels like she is boring and doesn’t know enough about things. What a great topic to discuss, especially with her wanting to attend school. We explored her interests and dreams, and came up with some ideas. I think she felt better for being honest, and it helps me understand a little more about her attitudes, behaviors, and emotions that I’ve seen lately.
I’ve learned not to judge or scorn her for her feelings, and to make sure she knows that feelings are naturally occurring and can’t be denied. It’s what you do with them and about them that make the difference. I love my daughter, and want nothing more than for her to understand and internalize that she is loved, wanted, cherished, and incredibly special. She doesn’t need drama, drugs, nicotine, or devilishness to fill her need for belonging. That text is proof.