3/30/2011

This is a really sensible, albeit liberal, article from an Ann Landers column from a long time ago. It’s been shared and modified a hundred times, but it’s still interesting stuff. Thought I’d pass it on.

6 Things for Parents of Teenagers to Stop Doing (and what to do now instead)

“When this column was first published nationally a few months ago, I got many many letters thanking me for writing. I did get one letter from an older couple in California, taking me to task for being too liberal in my advice.

That was a first!

I tend to think they either greatly misread the column, had their own agenda to trumpet, or both. At the same time, I did look over the column and failed to find anything “squishy” in my tips. I even said you can still say ‘because I said so’ to a teen. Oh well, with that said, here’s the column.”

Here are six things that parents of teens should stop doing right now:

1. STOP focusing on what you are going to make your teen-ager do.

It doesn’t work.

When our kids are infants, we are in total charge. Between ages 3 to 13,
kids still really like us, and often will go along with what we want. From 13
on, however, they realize they are as big as we are, and they can really
do a lot of what they want.

So, stop focusing on what you are going to make them do and start
focusing on what you are going to do. How you are going to respond to what
they do; what you will give and what you will withhold; how you are going to
model good choices for them. Focus on what you are going to do, because it’s
the only thing you can really control.

2. STOP lecturing.

You didn’t listen when your parents did it, so what makes you think your kids
are going to listen to you?

The same information can be conveyed over time in short bursts. Keep it
short and sweet. One of the best places to do the short and sweet stuff is
while riding in the car. You have a captive audience, and you are both
looking ahead and not staring at each other.

3. STOP using “adultisms.”

We commit an adultism when we forget what it’s like to be a teen —
to think and reason and experience the world as a teen — and expect a
teen-ager, who has never been an adult, to think, act, reason and
experience the world like an adult.

Start with where they are and teach and model what comes next.

4. STOP grounding or restricting them for long periods of time.

By long I mean, except for the most enormous of infractions, any
longer than two weeks.

For adults, two weeks is like a snap of the fingers — gone. For most
teens, two weeks seems like forever, which causes diminishing positive
results the longer the grounding. Consequences need to be strong
enough to get their attention, swift enough after the infraction to have
an effect, and short-term so they can have another chance to do better
soon.

5. STOP trying to reason with them about rules they do not like or when
you say no.

Here is one event I can guarantee will never happen in your household:
You explain a rule or why you said no to your teen-ager, and they respond
with, ‘Well, thank you, Mom and Dad, I never thought of it that way, and now
that you have explained it that way to me, I no longer want to go to the
movies with David, I feel bad for asking, and I think I’ll just go to bed early
and think about the wisdom you just shared with me.’

There are still times when ‘because I said so’ is the best thing you can say.

6. STOP making every issue a battle for control and who is in charge.

If every issue is a battle for control, your teen will make every issue a
battle for independence.

Pick your battles. Make sure they are the most important things, and then
make your stand there.”